PSA: I Didn’t Get Sober For This Shit

PSA: I Didn’t Get Sober For This Shit

I didn’t get sober to play it safe, to take the easy way out, to not take risks, to not make every single day a new quest for buried treasure. I didn’t get sober to sit around and think about how scary the future might be. I didn’t get sober to not embrace change, to make decisions based on fear, to not make decisions based on fear. I didn’t get sober to live in fear.

I didn’t get sober to not fulfill my purpose in this lifetime. To not discover what that purpose might be. To not be painstaking about what I fucking desire and who I fucking desire and what I fucking deserve and who I don’t fucking need around me anymore. I didn’t get sober to feel sorry for myself, to listen to that ever-so subtle voice that says “you aren’t good enough”. I didn’t get sober to wonder whether I am valued by the people in my life. To feel like I’m as important as what color socks you happen to put on this morning. I didn’t trudge through a thousand foul fires of self-centered, self-loathing fears and make it through to the other side (against all odds) just to hear you say “I like you, buttttttttt…” I didn’t get sober for this shit.

I didn’t get sober to play games, to cut corners. I didn’t get sober to date the same people I dated when I was wasted and lonely and ashamed. I didn’t get sober to be the same person. I didn’t get sober to feel invisible or misunderstood or alienated. I didn’t get sober to hide or cower or crawl or crumble. I didn’t shatter every single one of my beliefs and dismantle every single idea about my Self and then put the pieces back together in a perfectly imperfect fashion, only to second guess myself. I didn’t arise from the ashes like a motherfucking phoenix to censor myself, to be tamed by someone else’s whack standards. To be that brand that everyone likes, that girl who everyone thinks is sweet. To write shit that doesn’t piss people off. To wonder if I’m making the right choice. To not trust myself. To settle. I didn’t get sober for this shit.

I didn’t get sober to avoid getting my heart broken, to avoid falling apart, to avoid getting hurt. I didn’t get sober to lie to myself, to say “maybe this time it will be different”. I didn’t get sober to make the same ole mistakes, I got sober to make new ones and to learn from them. I didn’t make it out barely still alive to be complacent, to be quiet. To please you. To give my power away to other people. To give my heart away. To act like it’s not the most precious thing I have–like I’m not the most precious thing I have. I didn’t get sober because I was scared to die, I got sober because I was scared to not live.

I didn’t get sober to not preach to myself every day. To not feel empowered. To not know that I am a sandstorm, a force of fucking nature, an atmosphere, an eternal garden of Eden. To not be the Queen of my own Existence. I didn’t get sober to fear what you think of me, to fear what any of you reading this right now think of me. To not make the remarkable dream that I dream a reality. Every single day. I didn’t get sober to not be in love with myself and in love with my life and my friends and my job and my mind and my spirit. To not be in love with my flaws. To not be true to myself, to not be authentic. To not show up just as I am right now.

To not feel. Everything.To not grow, transform, unfurl, unwind, let go, be held. Are you seeing the picture I’m painting yet? Do I need to keep going? Claro?

I’m not looking for someone to complete me or make me happy or call me babe, I’m looking for someone who can help me reinvent myself as often as necessary for true growth to occur. Someone more than a catalyst, more than a muse, more than just a good fuck. I’m looking for someone who points out the beauty I have yet to truly see, who is down to create a fucking empire, down to destroy some shit and rebuild, down to hack into some scars, slay some dragons, jump through flaming hoops, someone who’s down to make some irreversible leaps of fucking faith. I don’t need you to buy me dinner or “like” my Instagram posts or tell me I’m pretty. I want you peeled back, uncut, unedited, unfiltered, stripped raw, I want you to lay me bare or I don’t want you at all.

xo Neek


Read Part 2: Growing Pains

35 thoughts on “PSA: I Didn’t Get Sober For This Shit

  1. Wow this is the most powerful , I’m your face explanation of why we get sober as a recovery coach I find it hard at times how to express the why I got sober because I didn’t want to offend no one , but this have empower me to be me and if they don’t like it so be it.. thank you so much you made my day 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bravo!!!
    I love this! Absolutely. I, too, did not get sober to play it safe, to resist taking risks, to not keep growing and expanding and embracing life!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! That was amazing! I feel like I just climaxed and now the euphoria is settling in . Boldy written with brazen pride. You my friend will inspire the masses with this. It’s beautiful that you point out you that you are not afraid to die, death is inevitable but to exist without truly living – well shit what a shame. Well done I say for am without words to describe the overwhelming positive past you just made on me. Be well

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Beautifully written, completely spot-on.
    I just went through a break-up 3 days ago and I needed to read this more than I even realized. I do constant work on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis to not only stay sober, but be fucking free. I’m grateful you (the author) are not afraid to be transparent, because it empowers people like me who have gone through a lot of pain to learn that only when I am stripped down to my bare naked essentials can I grow.
    Fuck the pretenses. Fuck other’s opinions. My Higher Power didn’t help me overcome a hopeless state of mind and body so I could constantly second guess myself.
    Thanks girl, you’re a motherfucking sober Goddess. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I love this! I especially like the very last paragraph. Glad someone else shares my distaste for the word “babe” — also this rocks, because I am sober too and agree with a ridiculous amount of this piece.

    Fellow poet here ~ thanks for writing this & I don’t even know you, but you rock for belting it out with no restraint. *followfollow*

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel very much the same. I did not get sober to shut the fuck up. I did not put down the bottle to stop writing tragic stories or become less of an artist. I did not get sober to be nicer. I did not get sober to help anybody else even though I do it all the time. I got sober because using stunted my self-discovery, my progress as a writer, and my own interpersonal development. I don’t really know what to say at this point amount emotional availability. I drank to black out for so many years and somehow avoided jail and stayed fairly successful given my behavior. I don’t understand my own feelings-they really confuse me and I am so used to going to the bottle to fix that I have no adult answer to my emotions. I do what I think is right or best, but I understand my behavior and reactions intellectually right now. I guess all that is to say that I think sobriety gives me strength but also has opened me up to many things that got lost in the blackouts, arrests, treatment centers, hospitals along with all of the other elements of the swirling chaos of addict life.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. A friend shared this with me, and I am so grateful she did, wow very powerful message and so true!! I can relate to this so much, thank you!!! Sobriety is such a gift, thank God for another chance at life and to experience every piece of it sober. I suffered my first break up/divorce in sobriety this past year and found a whole new meaning of broken, however realize that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes through some of our most painful times comes, more strength, courage, faith, vulnerability, spirituality, and to get through those times without picking up a substance to numb out those painful feelings is a true miracle! Thank you Neek for sharing your soul and truth, this was absolutely beautiful!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I must have read this post about a dozen times…it’s like you took the un-formed, color blobs, emoting out of my head and shaped them into fully formed mantras and battle cries. Thank you for knowing how to say what I couldn’t yet put my finger on. Keep molding every color you get your hand on, and keep pressing every button you can find…it’s making a difference.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m not pure,but I have a pure heart.As I try daily to be happy with others I know I have to start being happy with myself.I continue to work my steps and knowingly have to continue and start back over to steps one because I know if I’m not true to myself I can’t make it through to step 12.Im not tamed by no means,I’m out here in the wild unshielded and unguarded by all the fiery darts that try to consume me daily.Sometimes I feel like I’m still Freezing when it’s HOT outside and sometimes I feel like I’m burning when it’s cold outside.Im no longer numb to the feelings of hurt and sorrow.I still feel like I’m alone in a room full of people and I don’t know where to turn.

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  10. Astounding, really. The flow, the subtle change in rythym only to resume the timing of the initial portion. That is how if felt for me…

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  11. I heard this on The Recovery Show and loved it. Looked it up and sent it to every recovery friend I have. Looking through the lens of emotional sobriety, this fits with all recovery programs. It really speaks to how a lot of us feel along the journey. Great writing, thanks for sharing.

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